Listen up, young couples

Children will eat you alive. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Hey. You two. With the lovey-dovey nicknames and hands that seem magnetized to each other’s backsides. I have a bit of news for you. Right now, you’re enjoying the freedom of youth and childlessness. As you should be. Live it up. Live it up now.

Because someday, you’ll be just like me. Maybe not within the next five years, but probably within the next ten. No? You think you’re so different? You think you will forge a different path to parentdom? Maybe. But I doubt it. Few get by unscathed. If you think parenting is as hip as the celebs make it look in that glossy magazine you’re reading, then you’d better find out a way to get rich real quick.

Soon enough, you’ll be the one in yoga pants (today’s more fashionable sweat pants), dangling a baby off your hip while you stir Hamburger Helper with your free hand and kick a half-deflated beach ball across the scratched-up linoleum floor for your toddler to chase. Yes, if it were a dog, it would be called “fetch.” But, it’s your kid, so you call it “ball-a-rific” or some other fantastical name. Classy.

And yes, you’ll be the one with split-end infested hair thrown up in a sloppy bun sitting in the doctor’s office, trying to entertain your feverish baby while she screams uncontrollably and your bored toddler keeps asking (loudly) why “that lady standing in line has such a big bottom.” So proud.

And finally, believe it or not, you’ll one day be standing in line at Target, arguing with the cashier over a discount on diapers, causing quite a scene, when a young couple behind you will snicker and unabashedly roll their eyes. You’ll turn to them and say (with a forced smile), “This will be you someday.”

Oh yes, this will be you someday.

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23 thoughts on “Listen up, young couples

  1. This made me laugh out loud while reading. You have so hit the nail on the head. By the way, I really enjoy your blog.

  2. This is so true, because this is what my husband and I were saying about nine months ago. Now our baby is almost seven months old and life has completely changed! Yees, I have even had the “coupon argument” at Target. Go motherhood!

  3. If you wanted to be really cutting (not that I ever would) you would have also pointed out the young lady’s probability of being just like you one day — but as a single mom. She’ll have all kinds of new reasons to roll her exhausted eyes then.

  4. children the greatest joys of your life, and the biggest frustration, fears, and sleepless nights. So glad to be a grandma now, not that I still don’t worry now I have 6 kids and 18 grandkids to worry about. lol Here’s some news it never ends, the messy house you get a brief time between teenagers and grandkids where you can kinda put your house to rights, but why bother.

  5. Cute! I still want kids, but yoga pants are comfy, I usually wear buns anyways and It’s about time something made me embarrassed….I guess.

  6. I just LOVE hearing ppl say things like we won’t let a baby change our life, we’ll still eat at fancy restaurants, go to movies and have a clean house. WAKE UP CALL!

  7. Love this! SO true and so funny. Have you heard the saying ‘having children is like slowly being pecked to death by a chicken’ Somedays it’s oh so true!

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