What if I wasn’t in the picture?

At 40 years old, having a baby was the last thing on my parents’ minds. That is, until they had a baby. Me. While I know I wasn’t planned, I’ve been assured time and time again that I was a welcome addition to the family. This isn’t what troubles me, though.

It isn’t the deliberateness of my existence that disturbs me, but the timing of my birth. I was born just four days after Eric’s 13th birthday, meaning that for the majority of his twelfth year, my mother was pregnant with me. Why is this significant? He was molested at age 12. Sometime during that year, his innocence was stolen, his life instantly changed. Had he tried to tell my parents, but worried they were too distracted with an unexpected pregnancy and didn’t want to bother them?

I know this thought isn’t rational, but it still haunts me. What if I’d been born earlier, or later, or not at all? What if he resented me? It’s at times like these that I fully appreciate my father’s avid photography. These photos tell me I was a happy, if unexpected, addition to the family. And judging from how close Eric and I grew over the years, he never wished I wasn’t in the picture.

Read More of Eric’s Story


5 thoughts on “What if I wasn’t in the picture?

  1. Predators choose children deliberately. They know which of us will make good victims. I don’t blame anyone but my abuser for what happened to me when I was 12. You’ll only torture youself playing “what if”. My heart breaks for the pain you’re going through but your strength is inspiring.

  2. I can’t help but think God timing is always perfect, and by these photo’s God put you during this year to give Eric comfort and happiness that he may not of had otherwise. We never see the bigger picture but God does,and you must of been just what the family needed. Especially even when your parents was even surprised! God wasn’t.
    I love surprise’s. My last two children I had late in life and was the best surprise ever!
    I love & pray for your blog it is touching many life’s. including mine!

  3. Catherine, you were loved from the get-go.
    I’m sure Eric was warned to the inth degree to not say anything to anyone, because who’s going to believe you. No grown-ups going to believe you. Of course, I don’t know what was said to him. But we’ve heard all the stories.

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